Ryan Dolan : FULL RANT MODE

When I was asked to speak at the Shiva on Sunday morning I started off by saying that I couldn’t. I felt that I was not strong enough to stand in front of so many people who loved my Esterbeth and say what I was feeling.

I thought of reading the poem that Jeremy quoted but I knew that I would have to find my own words. I once wrote Ester a poem, a re-hashing of The Owl and The Pussycat.

The Hippy and the bureaucrat went to sea,
They sailed in a pending tray.
They had no fear, as a poem by Lear was certain to show them the way.

That’s all I could remember and my Esterbeth carried the poem with her. So from saying I couldn’t speak, I then said I wouldn’t speak. I wanted to use the words of that poem but those words are gone.

Then I thought of Nataloushka and how she stood at the funeral and spoke so bravely. Natalie you chased away the coward in me so that I had to speak. Like Ester I have seen you stand in one of the hardest places.

So instead let me tell you how we met. It was on a Wednesday in Powers. I was talking to a friend. Actually ranting at a friend and Ester being Ester was never one to let you rant alone. She sat down and said, “This doesn’t sound like your average pub conversation” and went into FULL RANT MODE with me. That was nine months ago and we have not spent much time apart since then.

Esterbeth first met my son on a Sunday mornings in the deli on Salusbury Road, coffee for Papa and apple juice for Louis. This became a highlight of our weekends. Louis loved her too. She was as childish as the pair of us and fitted right in. Ester even came chasing elephants around the city with us.

On our way to the deli one Sunday in a shop called Purple Heart we found a purple rubber duck for the bath, a perfect Esterbeth present. Never to be outdone, a week later through the post she sent me a rubber duck wearing a pair of shades. I still don’t know how hard she had to look for that.
We never had enough time together, and now there are no more words.