Marc Silverman: especially special, uniquely unique

like so many of the people who have written so poignant, heart-touching and simply beautiful "devarim" (words, things, items...) about ester and shared them on the blog that has been set-up to mourn her loss and our loss of her and to commemorate, perpetuate her memory, and most importantly to learn from this memory and try to become better persons, human beings in the light of the 'portrait' ester painted of what t'is to be a loving and caring human being, i too loved her dearly and deeply, strongly experienced, felt and believed (and still experience, feel and believe) she was an especially special, a uniquely unique person who was already giving so-much to the world, so much towards humanizing it, making it a kinder, user-friendly, better place, and who would engage so ever-more in this always ever-to-be-completed task and project;

and upon learning of her death, i simply and truly refused to believe it; in a mantra-like way i kept saying to myself this news must, has to be mis-information; it can not be accurate, truthful and reliable;

this can't be, can't be, can't be - i just saw u ester in toronto, and heard you sing a song from Psalms in a melody/tune you yourself composed in such a mellifluous, sweet-so-unassuming, yet-so-penetrating out-of-the-depths-i-call-out-to-you-o'God manner; this can't be, can't be - you just read out loud your mother angela's so-very clever and erudite, innovative, smile and laughter generating mishnaic-talmudic-like marriage greetings of 'mazal tov' to the people congregated at the wedding ; this can't be, can't be - was it not close-to-just-yesterday that we held a really meaningful d and m conversation together, from which i derived so-much pleasure and contentment from the hopeful positive professional and personal perspectives on your future you shared w/me during and in it; and more....

but eventually, despite my determination to "construct" a real-world reality in which ester in her concrete, physical particularity is present, i realized that in the latter shape and form she was not and could no longer be w/us in this/our world;

in the e mail letters exchanged between ester and me from mid-may thru the end of the third week of june 2006, it seems to me that a very considerable number of the qualities/features that made and make ester such an especially special and uniquely unique person can be seen, read and actually 'heard' in many of the passages in these missives she wrote and sent me; these missives from her are the last visible self-testimony of her flesh and blood concrete physical real presence in the world that i have;